Storm in Heaven
[Recent Entries][Archive][Friends][User Info]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Storm in Heaven" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
|
12:52 pm
[Link] |
The end has no end
So this is it. I guess this is it. I can't say that for sure, but I plan to end this all here.
This journal has been with me for ages. Its been with me through happiness and through sadness. It reminds me of good times and reminds me of bad times.
But now it is the time to stop. Now is the time to move on, and start a new life.
I don't really know what to say. I guess i've prepared myself for this, so it aint really that much of a big deal.
So to those who are reading this, thanks (i guess). By reading this journal, you ahve shown interest (or at least curiosity) into my life. I spose I have answered here all the questions you wanted know the answers to but were afraid to ask.
If you have seen a different side of me through reading this, don't be alarmed. Not everything is as it seems. I can honestly say though, that the person you see in the journal is ME. It is noone else. It is not my alter ego. This is me, and this is the way I am. Whatever picture you had of me before you read this, this is the true one. If I have shocked you, well, I'm sorry. I'd like to think I was a genuine and honest person, but I, like everyone else in the world, have to put a mask on from time to time. This is where I remove that mask. If you don't like my real face, well, I'm sorry. Maybe if you did the same, I wouldn't like your face either.
I don't mean to sound so vicious. Sorry. Some people I can imagine visit this journal for entertainment, for a laugh, to have a joke at whatever I am crying about now. To you people, I will say only this. This is entertainment for you, but this is my life for me. If I told you all this in person, you would not be laughing. Not to my face anyway. Its almost like I want to say "Fuck you". But I know that we all have an obsession with other people's lives; knowing what is going through other people's minds, it excites us, it titillates us. That is natural.
And to those people who do not know me. Well, what can I say. This is the only me that you will ever know. This is the image of me that you will ever see. You will never know what I look like, what my name is, where I live, what I do with my time (well, you may have an idea i spose). And I spose in a strange way, I'm happy to know that the only me that you will know is the real me. So, cheers.
Here is where it ends. I hope your experience of this has been as exciting as my experience has been. But now I must move on, and do other things. I hope you understand. Maybe I'll see you again sometime, hell, maybe I'll start another journal, or pick up this one, and it'll start all over again. But for now, this is me, saying goodbye.
So, Goodbye. Love and Best Wishes to you all.
Storm in Heaven
|
|
01:10 pm
[Link] |
I am a patient boy, I'll wait
Been recording all weekend. It was great fun, but a lot of sitting round and doing nothing. I never realised how much work goes into recording. Its strange. Anyway.
Sara told me something. That S was troubled about me, that she really liked me, but couldn't do anything since she was going to Uni, she didn't wanna get hurt. I guess I felt exactly the same way. And I guess its reassuring to me to hear that, it makes me feel as if it wasn't all my fault, like I'm not a failure. Sara said "but you know that". I didn't reply at the time, but I guess I knew that, its just nice to hear something you thought you knew be confirmed.
But truth be told, since my last post, I have barely thought of her. So thats cool. I was thinking about what she'll think when she saw what I wrote. Whether she's read it yet. Who knows? It says what I wanted to say, whatever she reads in it, whether she takes any notice at all, its up to her. So i guess there aint any reason to think about her. So thats cool.
Oh yeah, cuz I said I would, I'll explain what I was doing in France.
Basically, I'd half listen to conversations, and write down little phrases that caught my ear. That would hang in the air for no reason. Sometimes i would just write single words, filled up lots of pages with just a load of crap. It was brilliant! Words can take on such a different meaning, sometimes they're so interesting and hang in the air, and other times, they mean nothing. SO thats probably what I'll do for lyrics at uni. Get a notebook, and write loadsa shit down! Awesome! And it aint a diary! Awesome!
Ahhh.... thats about it really. So long. Not long now, oh yes, my brothers.
|
|
09:29 pm
[Link] |
And it sticks like a broken records
http://www.muchosucko.com/video-fanimecon.html Hahahahahahahahaa
Anyway.
Yesterday and Today has been a period of strangeness. I thought I'd say that to start with to get you all excited, but really not much has happened. I'm going to write down a lot of stuff that is probably not that wierd or strange but will just fill up a bit of time and, in the process, say what I want to say. Hopefully.
Why did I feel jealous? When she said she was sharing a flat with some bloke (and 5 others). I'll be sharing a flat with 9 boys and girls. Why is that strange? Oh dear.... I need to STOP doing this. Reading too much into stuff that really doesn't matter. Maybe as soon as I walk into Durham, I'll fall into bed with some hottie, and think nothing of it. But I'm starting to think that I will be holding out for her. Gaaaawwddd DON'T DO THIS!!!! NNNOOOOOOOoooooooo..... I really wish it was easy, this should be so easy to do, not so tough. But it aint tough at all, i'm just making a big deal out of NOTHING.
But I was glad to hear from her. We'll stay in touch fo' sho'. Maybe I'll even go down and see her if I'm bored and wanting to meet up with some people. It doesn't matter. But I sometimes I find myself wondering what she's thinking. How she feels. Its wierd... I really ought to get over her.
Anyway.
He's changed. He was all "I don't want a girlfriend at Uni" (pretty much the main reason why he dumped her). But now he's staying together with his new girl. He blames it on "Love, or the 18 yr old version of it at least". Well I'm happy for him. But I now understand why he didn't wanna see her on her last night on the island. Its a shame. Maybe he IS a twat. I dunno. Oh well, i guess i'll be seeing him often, so thats cool. I wish him luck.
I printed off a map of the UK, and wrote the names of people by the towns they were. I figured, if I knew where they were, they wouldn't seem so far away. Ahhhh.... I just can't wait to get away, and start forgetting about all the people that I'm missing. Especially her. I need to forget about her. Its the only way. I need to be happy. Why is she on my mind?
When I get to uni, that is where it all starts. I have decided. Its ok to miss people now (even her). But it all ends at Uni. There. I'm saying no more.
Its nice to know I can always go and see people if I want to. Trains aren't too bad. And anywya, I can talk to my friends online or on the fone, whatever. I just wanna go. Not just cuz i'm excited. But cuz I don't wanna miss anyone anymore.
Only time will tell.
|
|
06:08 pm
[Link] |
In My Life
Saw Aston and Summer off at the harbour today. I was feeling ill all morning, and I was welling up on the way there. When I got there, I knew I shouldn't have come. Had a little breakdown in the toilets.
Aston is one of my finest mates, that I've known for years. It was damned hard seeing him go.
It was tough seeing Summer off as well (yes, The Girl, if you haven't figured it out already).
Last night I made an addition to my message in her book. I'm bumbled through a few sentences, starting with something along the lines of "its hard to know what to say". It said what I wanted to say, in few words, but it was clear. No flowing poetry, no melodrama, just what I wanted to say. I was quite proud of what I wrote too.
And yet when I saw her today, it felt like there was so much stuff I could've said, so much stuff I could've done. I've said it before. Its like we could've done this, shoud've done that. If we had had more time, then we would've done this etc etc etc.
Maybe nothing would have come of us. Who knows. We probably will never know. But I am happy in the knowledge that something could've happened between us, if the situation had not been as it was. Maybe it was in fact the lack of time left for us to spend that made sure of that. Maybe if we did have more time, it'd be different, and maybe things would've have worked out. But I know. And I will never look back with regret.
Its pointless. Its absolutely useless saying "if only". Regret is for weak people. Things happen to you, situations arise. You do something or you don't do something. Whatever happens, its done, its in the past, its finished. Wondering whether you should've done something else is pointless. There is no chance to change things. If events that had happened in your life suddenly "unhappened", you wouldn't be where you are now. Things would be different, but you'd still be in a place where things happen to you, and wondering maybe if something else had happened. Its an endless spiral. Who's to say what will have happened?
As I was waiting to be picked up, I started talking to myself, telling myself about how life is a series of connections with people. It was as if I had read it somewhere, but I can't remember where. Something like:
Life is a series of connections between people. Some people touch you for a long time, other only briefly. But everyone is responsible for making you you. Without them, you wouldn't be who you are.
Maybe I'm making it all up on the spot, but it felt like I had been told it before. But it makes sense. Someone I have known for ages and ages, and someone I have known for maybe only this summer, and they are both pretty darn special to me. They have made me who I am, maybe only in small effects, but still.
I would like to end the journal here. But i know I shouldn't. It'd be wrong to do so. I haven't left yet. This part of my life is not over yet. Life doesn't change, life goes on. Its just different people, different places, doing different things. Life remains with you at all times, it is your world, it is where you are now, it is what you are doing now. People do not slip away, you let them go. And that is your choice. I'm not gonna get all philosophical here, I don't know whether there is an afterlife, reincarnation, or whatever; what difference does it make? The point is, you are where you are. This is no run-through, this isn't a practise, this is it. There is nothing else.
Anyway, rant over, I am spent. I was really upset this morning. But now I'm fine, and all is well. I just want to go.
Listening to "In My Life" by the Beatles seems appropriate here, try it.
|
|
12:01 pm
[Link] |
Comfortably Numb
Played my last gig last night. It was awesome. But I'm just knackered now. Its scary. I was having thoughts of giving up on uni and continuing with the band. But I know thats crazy, and I won't do it. Besides, I leave a week wednesday, its a bit to late to start making life changing decisions.
It was a wierd feeling on stage last night. I felt very detached from the crowd. Maybe this is what Roger Waters felt like before he composed The Wall. Like I felt no connection with anyone there, not even my best mates and people who had gone out of their way just to come see us. And then afterwards, I was just a wreck, could barely move, and people were talking to me, and I couldn't understand what they were saying.
Its 10:15 and already she has made my day AGAIN (well it aint 10:15 now). I was glad she came down last night, but I guess I was in no real state to appreciate it. I have a problem with saying what I want to say to people, its sometimes tough for me to get myself understood, or to get whats in my head out. But I will be seeing her today. Dammit, I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm kinda hoping she has some brilliant idea... ah well... We'll find out soon enough.
Ahhh.... drained... need some lucozade....
|
|
01:19 pm
[Link] |
I'm not here, this isn't happening.
I'm all over the place. I'm neither here nor there nor anywhere.
Wednesday night was... strange. A girl reminded me how little time I have left with her. As if I needed reminding. And at times, she would be with me, and at others, she would be sacking me off. It was rather... annoying.
Looking back, I see this happening to me a lot. I'm not the loudest of guys. I'm pretty shy when it comes down to it. Its amazing how many people I know as "friends of friends" who I wouldn't say hello to if I saw them in the street. If only I had made the effort early on... ah well. This is a reason why I am looking forward to Uni, a chance to start again, to 'put things right' as it were.
But when it comes down it, I don't really have anything interesting to say. Some people I can talk to for hours, others I feel lost for words. Alas, its with the latter group that I really want to talk to, just talking about random shit, and more often than not, its people of the opposite sex (that strange beast). Hence my difficulty in trying to hold a conversation with her. Maybe its because I feel i need to impress her with flowing conversation that I can't actually hold a proper conversation? It seems like that anyway.
Anyway. So, at the end of the night, I had a choice to either go home, or go back to hers for an after party... At one point I was angry with her for sacking me off. It was quite silly actually. But anyway, I digress. I wasn;t invited by her, but told that "she would want me there". So I came along, and I'm guess I'm glad I did, but I did feel terribly like I was intruding, stepping on her toes. And before you ask, no, i didn't pull her or sleep with her, as much as I may have wanted to at the time. But had a great time anyway.
And then yesterday, we went back to hers AGAIN after lunch for a lounge around the pool. It was great fun again (no... didn't pull her...). I think... I think... that we will be nothing more than just good mates. I think thats probably the best idea. If I have that mentality at least, no harm can come to me. Yeah, maybe we will end up getting together, before or after we leave, but I aint thinking that way at the moment.
A quick tangent: What do you write in a book that will only be read after she's miles and miles away from you? It was wierd. I had to write a message in a book for her to read whenever she got homesick (but not until then, that was the deal). I bumbled through it... I think I suceeded in saying what I had to say to her, but its tough you know? It probably won't make sense when she reads it. But never mind, it does feel nice though, its kinda tied things up.
And then I recieve this message this morning! 'Mwah x'. Thats it! Completely unprovoked, sent at midnight last night. Its 10:15am and already she has made my day!!
Fuck, it'd be so easy to know what to do if she wasn't going away next week. But then nobody said it was easy, its such a shame for us to part. I will see her tonight. And shit, we STILL haven't done anything! Bugger. Maybe Saturday, Myabe Sunday.
And she keeps on telling me how gutted she is that she can't make my last gig. Aparently, I 'have no idea'. I would want her to be there as well... Maybe she doesn't have an idea how much.
Hence why I'm all over the place. Oh well.
I have decided to give up this journal after I leave. I figured it'd be the best way to give up the ghost of so many thoughts and memories that will undoubtedly haunt me at University. I consider Uni life a new start, and Heaven knows I wanna do it properly this time. I figured it'd be pointless to continue the same journal, since its gonna be about different people, different places, it wouldn't really make any sense.
Don't get me wrong, I will never forget anyone that has featured in the this journal. But I guess there are just too many things that I want to forget. I have come to understand that this journal is probably the reason for those memories. This is where i come to mull over things, to try to make sense of things that have happened. But looking back, i guess all this journal has ever done has made me more confused, and thus complicated all kinds of things. It happens that when I try and think about things too much, I lose track of what really matters. I dunno why this happens, maybe I'll find out one day, maybe as soon as I close this journal, I'll realise.
I might start up a new one, I've been toying with the idea. Making it more of a diary, in the sense that I can tell people about it, they can go there to find out whats happening, what I'm up to and stuff. It might be nice. I have also toyed with the idea with making something identical to this, but of course new and fresh. I have also toyed with the idea of making a 'real' one (ie, having a book and a pen and writing stuff in that). This has arisen from my writings from France, I think more songwriting will come out of that than has ever out of this (I'll descibe it another time).
Maybe when I come back from university, when I see people that feature here, when everything feels familar, maybe I'll pick the journal up again. I will not deny that at times at has helped me form my thoughts more coherently. I guess the real reason why I'm giving it up is because I have promised so many things and not done a lot of them. Maybe its also because of the people reading it (yes, you guys)... Hence I don't really know how public it is. At least if I end it here, I don't have to worry about it anymore. I'm even toying with the idea of telling people about it if I think they ought to know (though I don't have a clue why, I don't know what good that will do, I don't think I will now...). If I start a new one, I will at least have some control over how many people will read it. If its a book, then obviously noone will read it (with any luck). Whether thats a good thing or not... I don't know. Every writer needs an audience. Thats why some people address their journals to specific people, imaginary or otherwise, just to think that someone out there is listening. It makes it worth while.
On the other hand, maybe this is why I ought to give it up. If I spend too much time wrapped up in my own little world, talking to imaginary friends who may or may not be listening, then I lose sense of what is real and what isn't, who's listening and who's not, who I'm talking to and who I'm not talking to. After all, a diary will never replace human interaction, thought and emotion, conversation and dialogue. Maybe if I stop talking to this journal, I'll start talking to real people. Hahaha that sounds really funny. Woah...
Anyway. Gosh, i don't know if I wanted to say all that now. I'll say a proper goodbye some other time.
Laters.
|
|
10:37 am
[Link] | http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index_5.shtml?counsellor
Describes me pretty well. I'm impressed!
|
|
08:54 am
[Link] |
Hello, Goodbye
I'm in a bit of a hurry, so this will be a crap post.
Been away to france, it was great, very relaxing. Got very drunk pretty much every night. I'm laying off the booze for a while, at least not heavily drinking.
Its interesting to know what people really think of others. Some things that people say, it shocked me, I didn't expect it. Makes you see both people in a different light.
She actually liked my present! She actually liked it!! Oh my god! I'm so happy about that! I didn't know what she was gonna think, I was really worried! She seemed happy to see me, I was happy to see her too. K said she was really happy for me. It's sorta like we're going out now, but not really actually. Will see her today...
Everyone's leaving very soon. Its scary. Well. I mean they're finding it scary, i don't know how I'm gonna feel when I leave, especially since I'm one of the last people to go. Its gonna be weird waving goodbye to everyone. Some people I'll miss more than others, but generally I'm gonna miss everyone. Hell, I don't wanna think about it.
This may be the last time I update for a bit. Bruv's home, so i can't really use the comp as much.
So long.
(yes, it was a crap post)
|
|
12:14 pm
[Link] |
Honey Pie
Have you ever felt like you want to be with someone, but just can't be bothered to work to get there? Like you just wanna be with someone, press a button and it be done.
Honey Pie
You are driving me crazy
I'm in love but I'm lazy
So won't you please come home?
(Honey Pie - The Beatles)
Ok, maybe not the lyrical excerpt I was looking for... but I like that line, "I'm in love but I'm lazy". It says a lot about how I feel at the moment. Last night I was making all kinds of excuses to myself for why I shouldn't show her what I feel about her... I'm in love but I'm lazy.
Why can't I just be fucking happy? Is it so hard to smile? I'm starting to feel as if nothing will become of us, but I know thats really just another excuse for not doing anything about it. Its almost a Catch-22 situation... except there is an escape, if only I was gutsy enough to see it.
But isn't it always the same? Not knowing what to do, not know what to say, how to react, how to go about doing something, how to behave, how to conduct yourself, how to say goodbye, how to say hello? And yet it seems to come so easily to some people. Other people make stuff like that seem so easy. And the really frustrating thing is, I KNOW IT IS EASY, but I don't know what I'm meant to do. Maybe I'm not meant to do anything? Or maybe I'm meant to do whatever feels right?
Time is slipping by. In only 4 days, I will not see her again for another week. Its like these 4 days are crutial! They are the key to everything that will ever happen between us! Its now or never!
ARGH why do I get myself in such states? Ah well... at least it'll make good songwriting material (ROFL)
A plus
|
|
04:19 pm
[Link] |
I don't want to miss a thing
Got back from Reading yesterday, gosh, it was amazing! Had a wicked time, all the bands I saw were top notch. I really can't wait to play in the festival now!
After going on somewhat of a weed binge over the weekend, I've decided to not do any more drugs from now on. Quite frankly it really did not do anything for me, and I wasn't really that interested in any highs or lows that it would give me. I was reading a t-shirt which had a quote form Bob Marley on it, it said something along the lines that when you smoke weed, your true self emerges. This is complete and utter bullshit! In my opinion, if you need drugs - legal or illegal - to be yourself, you need to see a counsellor. I consider myself a genuine kind of guy, I did not feel myself at all when I was high. Not an enjoyable experience, mediocre at best. No more drugs for me.
Some time soon I will pluck up the courage to ask her if she wants to do something.... I dunno.. I'm kinda scared i guess, but i'm also anxious that we'll miss out. Dammit, if only we weren't going away to uni! Then i wouldn't feel in such a hurry! I'm scared of getting TOO attached now, and I haven't even gone out with her yet! Argh! What's happening to me!?
Maybe we'll never amount to anything. Maybe we'll just be another 'could've been'. Maybe this is as close as we'll ever be. But I guess I wanna give it a shot, if nothing else. I don't wanna know that nothing could ever become of us, even if nothing ever does. I'd be happy knowing that we could've been something, even if we're not. I guess I'll just have to forget that soon we'll have to be apart for a long time. I don't even wanna know how many days are left. Its under a month, i know that for sure. We'll see.
Song Ideas:
Googlism lyrics (eg ...is bored, he is a fighter)
Inadequate
You're leaving tomorrow (continuing)
Adios
|
|
03:56 pm
[Link] |
Did you miss me?
Hey, remember me? yeah I've been away for a while, all will be explained. The entry on the 20th was written by hand on a cliff path walk, and the 21st was written by hand at my house. Just thought I'd update things.
Enjoy.
|
|
10:00 pm
[Link] |
I was drunk when I wrote this... very drunk...
L'été, je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'adore. Suis-je ivré, je pense que oui, je sais pas. Woooh!
|
|
01:00 pm
[Link] |
Que Sera, Sera
Its been a while since I posted, what with being away for the weekend and now the computer's down. Its been over a week devoid of any computers, its strange, I kinda miss not being able to do stuff on the net (sad I know). Me ma's whinging cuz she's got coursework to do, so hopefully we'll be back online sometime soon, before blood is spilt.
Incidentally, this has been the week that I have most wanted to wrtie stuff. A lot of thinkgs have been happening, a lot of memories and thoughts, and I'm kicking myself for not wirting em down earleir. Ah well, at least I'm doing it now. This is gonna be a marathon (be warned)... So, from the top!
I had the best weekend of my liffe. Route du Rock was incredible, and I have promised myself to go again. Can't really be bothered to into a lot of detail, I don't see any need. Top bands for the festie were The Beta Band, LCD Soundsystem, Phoenix, TV on the Radio, RJD2, and many more than I will no doubt remember some other point in the future. It was so nice tosee so many people having a great time, a festival brings people together, it was something really special. I guess thats the wonderful thing about music. But then you all know that.
I don't think I have ever seen - or will ever see - so many people doing drugs. I wasn't shocked by it, it was almost natural, like putting up a teent or going to see a band. And yes, I must admit, I did partake in a bit of weed smoking. Not a great experience I must say, I guess I have never experienced it before, so didn't know what to expect. I wasn;'t smoking hardcore, so I guess a few puffs didn't really have that much of an effect. It just seemed like too much effort, to get into something that i didn't even know if i wanted to do. And plus, I was cautious about its effects, and I didn't want to miss anything. I might try it again, but right now, I don't think I will. I don't think I suit it, or it suits me.
Now onto some interesting stuff. Over the last few weeks, I have been seeing a lot of a certain girl. I think almost every day for the last couple of weeks. When you heard from me last, I had a big grin on my face, yeah that was me and her getting together, and on the wednesday after that. So, to bring things up to date, we both know that we really like each other (nothing had been said between us though) and so there;s a bit of romance in the air leading up to RdR
Now, she was with a large group of her mates (of who i know a few). I was going with some of my mates, we didn't really plan to go all together, but thats how it happened. The problem with this is that it gave the feeling that I should be in two places at once, I think she may have felt the same way too. It would often be the case that my mates would go do something, and I was torn between either going with them or staying with this girl and her mates. More often than not, I stuck with my mates, but not before consulting them... Anyway, this is getting boring.
I guess all I really wanted was to be with her. I didn't have the guts, however, to ask her if she wanted to do something together. I spose maybe she felt the same way too. All the time I was conscious of her presence or absence.
On the last night, we got together (you know how much i hate the term 'pulled'). It was magical, as if some huge weight had been lifted off our backs (how melodramatic!). It was like it was meant to happen, which of course it was in a way; two people who like each other, its gonna happen isn't it? Again, I was probably the happiest guy int he world, she seemed to enjoy herself anyway. I think everyone else was gunning for us as well, kinda makes you feel special when you have some support. It brought up memories of the first time K and I got together. Like she said, it was a nice ending to a brilliant weekend.
So wednesday comes around. All her mates were telling me well suited we were, how cute we look together, and how funny watching us flirting is. I felt a bit embarassed, as you can imagine. Its hard to believe ppl could take that much of an interest in something like that. Everyone likes gossip I guess. When people asked what was going on between us, it almost bored me to tell them. It seems so ordinary now, like yesterday's news. To be honest, I couldn't really tell them what was going on, I don't really know, we're just doing what we're doing. Do you reckon what we have is unique? It makes you think whether you can really truely describe 'what's going on' between you and someone else, you may try, but I guess every time is difference, as I myself have experienced.
But thne one of her mates shocked me. She said this had liked me for quite a while, much longer than I had realised. Maybe I'm the same, I guess I have liked her for much lonfer than I have been aware of. But I was taken back nonetheless. I guess it makes sense, why she did the things she did for all that time, it seems pretty obvious now, and I feel silly for not noticing earlier, and for not realising what I had always felt for her.
Needless to say, we got together again that night. I wasn't really enjoying myslef myself though. I was too conscious of her, I just wanted to be with her, not in some nightclub. Its kinda selfish, I know. I decided to leave early, it was obvious she wanted me to stay, and I really wanted to too, but only because of her. Then I asked her out. I don't really know why, maybe for something to say, to spark conversation, to have a little 'us time', I dunno. It wasn't much, I said something like 'we should do something sometime', she said she'd love to. That made me happy, and again I was on top of the world. I look back and I think make it was a bit silly, but I did it anyway, It doesn't matter anymore.
And so we come to last night. We have the usual words of encouragements, "Go get her, Tiger!!"'s etc. And again it was quite to anyone observing that we liked each other. But alas, she is a popular girl, and will spend lots of time talking to other ppl. If I were a little more naive, I would've stayed with ehr, listen to someone else's conversation, holding her hand like a child in a unfamiliar area of town, or some huge department store, afraid to be lost. Instead I did my own thing, had my own convo's, but eventually I left and went to find her, hoping that she was alone and wanting me to be there with her. More often than not, she was still chatting to the same guy she was 5 mins ago. If this is starting to sound familiar, you can understand why at this moment in time, I'm wishing I was a million miles away. But alas, I only wanted to be with her.
And whats more, I have rediscovered my inability to chat, and so when we did find a moment to be together, I filled it with things I had already said, questions I had already asked or knew the answers to. Mostly it was just stupid faces or long stares with a smile on my face, though inside I was hardly smiling.
And then something happened. I'm still not really sure waht, but she stormed off and seemed upset. I didn't know what to do, to make matters worse, I was at that very moment looking for her for another attempt at being together, but was on the brink of giving up. I stood there like an idiot for a while, not knowing whether to follow her or leave her to her business and go shake my thang on the dancefloor. I chose the former after a while. I told one of her friends to tell her to let me know if she was ok. I then figured she had left, and so phoned home to get picked up. However, she was outside, of course, surrounded by friends trying to comfort her. What the hell was I to do!? I stood there for a second, and then joined the group. I offered not many words of advice or comfort for a while. I don't think I have ever felt so inadequate in my entire life. So completely useless. She seemed ok, so I bid my farewells and left. Msged her later, she was ok, and appreciated my concern and support. Though I felt as if I had done nothing, I could only offer a few words of kindness almost as an afterthought. She had people who knew her better, who she would obviuosly turn more readily that she would to me. A thousand more interesting people. Strange, how on this day of such achievement and sucess, I could feel like such a fucking failure.
And so here I am, sitting on a bench on a cliffpath walk. I wanted to be alone today, even though I know I could easilty go up and see her, using some excuse like dropping round the photos from the weekend she wanted. And we definately will do something. I asked her, she said yes, so that's that.
Its just that I can see our relationship - if you can call it that, or if it will ever amount to that - is doomed. Maybe I'm wrong, I dont know, but it seems that way. The fact, we have very little time left to spend together makes me wonder whether it is worth getting so attached to her. But hell I know I want to spend time with her. I can honestly say I haven't been this happy in a while, even though I may feel down at the moment. I spose if we spend some time alone together, things will be fine. I survived when we weren't 'together', there's no reason why we can't work things could now that we are nearly an 'item'.
A positive attitude is essential. Plus I think too mcuh about things like this. When I conceptualise things, everything becomes so scientific and cold and sterile and synthetic. Just let it be, I guess, que sera, sera.
|
|
11:54 am
[Link] |
happiest guy in the world
*grins*
|
|
02:39 pm
[Link] |
I wouldn't have it any other way
Last night was good fun. It was so nice to see everyone in a good mood and say hi to people. It was strange, everyone had a smile on their face (what's so strange about that?) and in a strange way they seemed happy to see me (that is strange). Its the first time I've been happy being with lots of other people like that for a while (well, since the coach party).
We had the chat. I mean "THE" chat, you know, the one you're oblidged to have after you split up. Gosh, its a bit belated, but never mind. Its gotta happen sometime. Well, it wasn't much in terms of THE chat (whereas they seem to have one everytime i see em together). But it was important. It really was. It tied up a lot of loose ends, and cleared a lot of things up. Albeit she was pretty wasted, i don't know that she really understood what she was saying. But anyway, it don't matter. We vowed to invite each other to each other's weddings! It was really nice, before, I have never really felt at ease being round her, and now I feel great. Its like, I can finally move on, its been a while, and maybe I have been pretending all this time that I have moved on, but now I know what it feels like to *properly* move on, if you know what I mean. But its bloody important. I'm happy, and I got a few things off my chest that had been bugging me. Its a great feeling, we can now finally see things eye to eye.
So bearing in mind I'm pretty much the happiest guy on the planet at this moment, it was unbelievable that I could get any happier, but I found out that she (different she) actually likes me!! Her mate told me!! OMG! hehehhe I was bouncing around like a mad man! Well we spent the majority of the time during the party chatting to each other about nothing in particular, admiring the moon and the stars, walking around. It was wonderful. I think i might just be in love again! Ah who cares, I'm dead chuffed anyway! Happiest guy alive! I did however have the best opportunity to, well, you know. But I didn't... WHY!??! ARGH! Ah well. Never mind. One step at a time...
Played the best gig ever on Friday Night. It just went so well, I was having a great time. I'm so ready for the festival.
Argh there's so much I want to say, but I just can't get it out... dang, ah well. Schlater!
|
|
01:26 pm
[Link] |
All that you can't leave behind
Just thinking about everything I said yesterday. We had a conversation about which unis we were going to, what the accomodation would be like, and I suddenly thought, "How could I leave all this behind?". How could i not go to uni, when all my mates will be doing the same thing, how could I throw away the best years of my life?
We also had a conversation about the last time we cried (properly, in sadness). I can't remember exactly the last time I cried, it was probably about her though.
Anyway... not a lot say really, gotta clear out my e-mail inbox, its getting way too full...
See you.
|
|
12:51 pm
[Link] |
(Is it getting heavy?)
A question came up last night in band practise. More like a hypothetical situation. If some record company guy came up to us after the Jersey Festival, and said "I want to sign you here and now", would we drop whatever we were doing to continue with the band?
Chris said of course, its what he wants to do. Gary said yeah, why not, Jim, said nothing, I said "don't put this question on me".
But I've been thinking a lot (as I often do) about this question. A bit silly, as it may never happen, but I've been thinking, and it runs a lot deeper than i would've initially guessed.
Arguments for continueing (Note how well i've structured this)
Right, so, basically, music is my life, it means so much to me, i'd love to dedicate my life to it, its just that, well, I'm good at other things as well (but more of that later). It has always been my dream to play in a band, go to play in festivals, i've always admired people who work in bands, it must be such hard work but they're doing it because they love it. And if I had no other choice, I'd enjoy it to.
Looking at the way things are now, this may be the only chance I'll ever get of being in a band that has any chance of making it big. Yeah, I know thats kinda self-obsessed, but i reckon if you're gonna do something, give it all you've got, and go for gold, you know? Why not aim for being bigger than the beatles? I guess in every one of us there is a desire to be famous, to be recognised for something, to be remembered. I guess (without ego, i promise) that i've always had a chance at doing something special, i've always been somewhat of a 'special' kid, playing violin well, doing well at school etc. And i guess thats my drive to be the best that has got me everything I've achieved.
And, hell, there's a part in everyone that wants to do something comepletely crazy, but what has to be decided is whether its actually that crazy to want to follow your dreams? Is it wrong to want to stick two fingers up to the rest of the world and do what you want to do, what you've always dreamed of? This is it, after all, this is life, and you only get one shot. Is it wicked to want to take a once in a lifetime opportunity?
Arguments against
Well, this is where it gets depressing (should've really done this first). You see, I've hopefully got a place at university (fingers crossed), a good one at that, so i know I will achieve a lot there. I know it is a natural continuation, since I've done so well at school that I should want to further my education, get a degree etc.
And yes, there is a part of me that wants to do something like that. I do dream (believe it or not) of working in some lab somewhere, doing something really fancy with genetics or something. That would be sweet. Boring, but I'd find it interesting (does that make sense?)
And there's a part of me (silly though it sounds) that wants to do something "useful", something that will help people. I have great respect for people who sacrifice themselves for others. Maybe not 'sacrifice' but doing something for other people. Like in "Good Will Hunting", the line "i worked as a mechanic, i fix people's cars, so they can get to work. I worked as a builder, I build houses, so people have somewhere to sleep at night, there's dignity in that".
In fact, whilst we're on the subject on 'Good Will Hunting', its about an young and incredibly gifted mathematician called Will Hunting who works as a school janitor. He has dreams like everyone else, but decided not to follow them, much to the dismay of his friends, brother, and those who discover his talent. The film ends with him driving off to meet a girl he loves, dropping everything behind it. Its not necessarily what other people would've liked for him to do, but he's following his dreams, what he'd want to do, as encouraged by his therapist, played by Robin Williams. There is a funny scene where he applies for a job as a mathematician for the state, and has an argument about what his mathematical ability will be used for... But I digress. The point is dreams aren't necessarily what you're capable of, its what you want to do, not what other people would like to see you doing.
Anyway. So I'd like to do something useful, something that will benefit other people. I'd like to do something in sciences, genetics or something like that, that'd be great. Being in a band, whilst good fun and giving people enjoyment, is not gonna help anyone in a huge way.
But hang on a minute. It does, doesn't it? Making people happy, giving people entertainment, isn't that helping people, making other people's lives just that little bit better? I know that when I saw Kevin Pinel at the Blue Note the other night, that was something quite incredible and inspiring. That has, even in a small way, made an impact upon my life. Now, he aint facing death in the middle of the Congo rainforest working for the Red Cross saving people's lives on a daily basis, but there's still 'dignity' in what he does, isn't there? Isn't there?
Anyway, back to the bad points. What if it all goes wrong? Say I said yes, and continued with the band, what happens when we split up? Do I try and hold onto my music, form another band, struggle again and again? Or do I give up? And what happens then? Do I go back to university? Do I start a job? What will I be doing?
I think its so much easier for the rest of the band to make a decision. Their 'trains are already on the tracks' so to speak, they know pretty mcuh what they'll be doing where in 5 years time, I don't know what I'll be doing in 5 years time, I haven't got a clue. To make that much of a decision, that will quite probably change my life, I don't know if I could.
Working in M&S has really opened my eyes to the world of work. I thought it before, when I just worked saturdays. It was a big function to promote the correct attitude towards customer service ('You Are The Difference' it was called), and there was much fun and games to be had, all improving customer service and standards etc etc. I thought to myself "This is what I do for a bit of money, this is what they do for their lives". Its strange. But then, as Gary rightly pointed out, 'a job's a job', nothing more. A job isn't life, it isn't everything. Its something you do. What does it matter what you do for a living, if you're enjoying life? Life is so much more than a means to make ends meet.
I know they'd understand if I said I didn't want to continue. I know they could continue and find another keyboard player. I know they'd do well, with or without me. Its just damn hard to make a decision that big.
But anyway, it doesn't matter, it may never happen. But if it does, I just don't know what I'd do.
But ANYWAY.
Had a really good time on Monday. Went to St Malo to meet the boys, had a belter, it was really nice to just get away. Came back, went out to the coach party, that was great. I'm really starting to enjoy pub crawls, drinking, walking about, having a great time. Just sometimes, a different place can spark life into a group of people. So that's why we went to Liquid...(???)
Yeah, we ended up in liquid. It was ok, not great, it was empty, and they wouldn't let us out onto the lounge. Which was gay, thats my favorite place. Its strange, I seem incapable of having a good time in that place. Despite being with all my mates, despite being quite drunk and having a bit of money to buy very cheap drinks, depsite the music being actually quite good for a change, despite not having to get up for work the next morning, I couldn't enjoy myself, but everyone else could. I could've stayed and drunk myself into oblivion, but I decided against it. Besides, I was pretty tired, and I knew that if I drank anymore I'd end up getting sluggish and drowsy, rather than fired up for a party (you know the feeling). And before I walked in, i was having a great time! Isn't it strange how the environment you're in can make such a difference to your mood? Bugger.
Ah well, this friday should be good fun. Problem is, I have to go to work at 6 the next morning. And my rents are away. That should be fun...
Reading an article in the OM about the C4 gameshow "Average Joe", it was great, I'll try and find it on the net to give a link. A point it drew up was that if the game was called "Average Josephine", and it was a hideously good-looking guy choosing a girl from a bunch of the plainest girls you have ever seen, everyone would have something to say about it, it'd be sexist, misogynist, whatever, it wouldn't be aired. But of course, its OK to laugh at guys who aren't particularly good looking, or don't have that 'something' that girls are looking for. Also, it brought up the "ugly = nice personality?" debate... Just cuz you're ugly, it means you've got a nice personality? What!? Or because you've got a nice personality, you must be ugly?? Like Beauty, Ugliness is only the packaging...
Its a shame, I can't be arsed to write the whole thing out, but its really good. Anyway, if you can pick up a copy of the Observer Magazine from Sunday, do... Or I could just scan it in...
EDIT: found it!! http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,11913,1268549,00.html
Anyway, (phew) that was a bit of a mammoth. See you.
|
|
02:19 pm
[Link] |
You've been flirting again
Right, where to start.
Last night was good fun. Apart from when I played. I didn't play particularly well, I forgot my lyrics, and realised that i really couldn't sing. Other people said well done, you were great etc etc but i don't believe em, and i'd be surprised if they believed that too. All in all i was rubbish. There, i've said it. This reminds me of Us vs Them, it don't mean a thing if I didn't enjoy it, I don't really care what other people thing to be perfectly frank.
Anyway. Standing in a Liquid queue last night that was about a mile long (well, 30mins at least). I did not want to be there. Not because I didn't want to see everyone in Liquid, not because i didn't enjoy being in the presence of the people I was with in the queue, and if i was honest not because I was tired or didn't want to do anything last night. I didn't want to queue for Liquid, cuz i fucking hate the place. I don't wanna queue for somewhere i don't want to be.
I can see it happening. They will end up together. Maybe they did last night. Who knows. Anyway. I dunno if I could face being around when it happens. I dunno, maybe that was another reason why I left last night. But then, what difference does it make? Why evade the inevitable? Or at least why try and hide away from something that might happen, but with an equal chance might not happen? Its silly. I aint angry or sad or disappointed. I feel nothing really. Maybe thats because I see it as an inevitability. (What are the 7 stages of emotions leading up to death?) the last one is acceptance, thats all I know. And one is denial. I've been through that already. Anyway, just a thought.
I've been thinking of her again. Last night i had a dream that she was flirting with me. We were going to a nightclub, in the early hours of the morning, but it was actually just dawn, so it was just light. We were wide awake and not drunk. We were travelling across some kind of park (it was really pretty and on a hill side, I can't think it was natural). She was flirting with me all the way, in the car or walking, trying to hold my hand etc. I was thinking 'will I end up with her tonight?' I wasn't returning any affection. It was scary, and I guess if it happened in real life, I would be crying at some point. Or I guess I'd just walk away and want to be alone, just like any other time I'm not enjoying anything. But then thats just me. I don't love her though. Keep saying that to myself.
I still fancy her (different her). I had quite an opportunity to ask her if she'd like to do something tmrrw (today) last night. But I didn't, I didn't really realise it though. Isn't that strange, you only realise your opportunities when the moments already passed. Well, maybe thats just me, I just don't see things clearly. Ah well. I'm quite happy, I smile when her name comes up in my Inbox, silly stuff like that. Awwwwwwwwww.....
I went to see Kevin Pinel (Pevin Kinel) the other day. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Properly awe-inspiring stuff. To see him up on stage, completely involved and just 'into' what he is doing, that was just really inspiring. I remember an to a question in survey, "What inspires you the most?", "People who are passionate about what they do". And its true, people who really love doing what they do are inspirting people. I'd love to be doing something like that, to be someone like that. The response from the crowd was incredible. Building up to last night, I was asking Chris what I should play, and he said I should do my own thing, play my own songs etc. I'd love to do that. I think I might one day, create a performance so intense that you either love it or hate it. To polarise the response of the audience. That would be cool.
Anyway, I got up at 2 this afternoon, I'm pretty tired still. I dunno what I want to do today, I feel like doing something, doing something inspiring. I feel like meeting bjork actually. Only cuz I'm listening to 'Post' at the mo. For free!! Hahaha! Libraries are great.
Anyway. This is me, signing out - *crackle*
|
|
07:46 pm
[Link] |
Boys Don't Cry
Hey ya!
I'm pretty knackered at the moment, working constantly is a ballache. Some stats for y'all:
Working 49 hours this week, thats just over 2 days in a 7 day week.
I am currently sleeping for less time than I am working (i estimate maybe 6 hours a day average, giving 42 hours of sleep time this week...)
I've spent a lot of money over the last week, over £60 on CDs, £40 on food / coffee.
Dammit. Oh well.
I can't really say anything, I'm so knackered.
What was I thinking about the other day? Oh yes. I don't love her. But I think about her when she's not around, I wonder where she is, what she's doing, who she's with. I get all nervous when I speak to her. And yet I don't love her. I don't. I will keep on telling myself that.
Rents got back the other day. Its a bit wierd. Its like they're just coming to stay, rather than being away and coming back home. I feel like this is my home now, and I'm living alone. I did actually genuinely enjoy having an empty house for 2 weeks, i had a belter. Oh ahhaha especially on the saturday night. Much drinking, and a visit to a random house party where we didn't know anyone (not a single person) but still managed to drink lots. That was the most drunk I have been in a while, I wish I had more empty houses. Got some decent photos.
Apparently, I've just gotta let her know. I fancy her, thats for sure. I've just gotta let her know that, and take it from there. But where does one take it? Is this love or a crush? I think the difference is if you fancy someone, you wanna be with them (sorta like love), if its a crush, then you just wanna get off with them (sorta like lust). Its all a bit confusing, this crazy little thing called love.
I envy their relationship. I can't deny it, I wish that we had something like that, but it aint a big deal. Anyway, they have always been really good mates. I bet they won't deny that its different afterwards (it always is). I just envy being that close to someone. Its silly. Ah well, I'm silly, so go tell it on a mountain, thats just me.
The conversation last night drifted into me and her. I kinda just laughed it off, sorta kinda in a way... as if it were some kinda joke. If only they knew, if only they knew.
I'm pretty knackered, nothings really making any sense. Ah well.
Adios
|
|
02:21 pm
[Link] |
100 Mile High City
Wow, my 100th post. Gosh. Just cuz i was bored, I counted how many of them referred to *her*. 57. Gawd. Anyway, no matter.
Up at the pub last night, we started into a philosophical debate about perception, how what we see may not be whats actually there. I realised it did not interest me in the slightest. I could ask myself the question over and over, but whatever answer came out, it would not make any difference at all. Thats what I hate about philosophy, when it gets way too deep and looses sight of what its arguing, when it looks sight of the big picture. Like ethical debates about health etc. At the end of the day, you gotta realise there's a patient in the middle of all the debates, who needs some kind of treatment. This isn't a science, this is a human being.
Anyway, also found out the reason why girls go to the toilet together, that really confused me up to now.
And no, I'm not telling you who I like! I will say nothing!!
I dunno, I don't like the idea of telling people things about who I like... several experiences have told me that its a bad idea, you always end up being oblidged to carry it through when your mates set you two up, and inevitably end up feeling really awkward. It never really works out anyway. Or maybe I'm just scared of things actually working out for once?? I dunno. I feel as if its cheating if you ask someone to set you up with someone. I also get some kind of childish impression of school-yard "my friend really likes you!! tee hee hee!!" and other such phrases. Add onto that, the fact I never really like depending on other people. And that I get embarrased easily. And that I never really enjoy talking about myself. Anyway.
Oh well, I'm off... schlater.
|
[<< Previous 20 entries] |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
storm_in_heaven's journal